Today was the last day of classes for this fall semester. It was the best semester I have had in my life. I am sad that it is ending, but simultaneously I am excited that its work is done (almost, there are two final exams pending still). Thankful that the movement of advance has taken place. This is one wonderful aspect of academic work: every stage of it moves us forward and closer to our goal.
This time is pregnant with anticipation, hope and many unknowns. People's lives rest on pillars, as it were, which give life stability. When any one of these pillars is removed, it triggers a crisis of instability that demands our diligent attention and effort until we have gained solidity back in our lives. Sometimes, due to extraordinary circumstances, several pillars may be removed at once.
The thing about being tried well beyond our strength and ability to cope is that it forces us to look deeper than we have ever had to look, into ourselves. To revisit beliefs that no longer make the cut under this new "administration". Like government buildings when they are stripped of the old administration and the space is left for the new members of government to come and take charge of the place instead. When a void of this magnitude is experienced, one must be so careful in overlooking what type of things are going to fill the newly vacant spaces in our lives, in our minds, etc.
But I regress; this, after all, is not my first book, but only supposed to be a blog for me to record some of my experiences during this time. The outstanding feature of this time for me is, besides the fact that I celebrate the end of a wonderful semester, that I am going to Paris, France, for 22 days during my Winter break.
This year had some truly extraordinary challenges for me. My ex-husband's decisions early in the year thrust a stranger into the fragile dynamic that was our family. I felt like a horrified animal, cornered, wounded, pupils fully dilated in horror, anticipating losses that I knew I could not handle. My children, both daughters, both teenagers, although ahead of their years in understanding of many things, are still teenagers, caught in the middle of a complex situation that demands more of them than is fair. I saw the writing on the wall, and I knew that it would be tough. And tough it was. If it weren't for the wonderful help that I have been able to avail myself from the University in terms of counseling support, I would not be where I am. I wouldn't be anywhere. I would not be anymore. In the throes of this darkness that only has lately begun to lift somewhat, I understood deeply that I had to start to paint on the canvas of my life with more bold strokes. I could no longer be timid in my approach to a life so precious, and so fragile. To maintain the balance of my mind, my spirit, and the passions that energize me has become one of my top priorities. I protect it with care and respect.
The mere thought of staying in Texas during the 5-long-week break of Winter when no courses are offered was unbearable. I did not know where to go, but I knew that I had to go far... I was in this fertile state of mind when a few events became the catalysis which produced my plan to visit Paris. I have a ticket for December 17, 12 days away and some hours. All the experiences contained in this trip are still a projection into a future I cannot see. But I have already been much enriched by "this trip". I didn't expect it to be so enriching before it took place. It seems to me that boldness, and a desperation for life, is something that resonates on some level with all of us. It is not your ordinary vacation that I am taking, this trip represents my statement to life that says: "I am IN. All the way". I will go any reasonable lengths in search of my optimal purpose in life, my place of optimal usefulness. Nothing gives my heart more joy than to be useful to someone else. Every person is an extension of ourselves. We just don't understand this clearly now.
I don't expect I will meet people much different from the people I have come to know and love here. We are all very similar and want the same things: love, peace, freedom, acceptance, safety.
This is all for tonight and for this first entry. Love to all who may read me. Namaste.
